Saturday, March 28, 2009

Stranger In My Home

As I listen to the strangely haunting den
Of a whistling train in the distance
In a place where no tracks exist,
I am reminded of endearments
From a man I loved in vain.

The sneer upon my lover's face
Does so much more
Than anyone’s smile ever can.
The touch of his hurtful hand
Feels so much better
Than a loving caress.
The hearth of his malicious home
Offers a safer haven
Than the unknown.

I am his prisoner.
I am my passive warden.
He tortures my soul.
And I condemn myself.

No time will heal my wounds
As long as I carry his burdens.
Happiness teary not.

But if I escape
Will my mind drift away on a billowing cloud
And then disintegrate into the falling rains?
If I cease to be his
Will I not exist?
Or will I finally belong to myself?

Will I try to find higher ground
Before I drown in his sorrows?
Or will I try to chase happiness
In the field of his life
And throw away my tomorrows?

Peggy Mintun, April 1995 (dedicated to LL)
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This poem is obviously about abuse. All forms: physical, emotional, verbal, psychological. I watched a friend suffer through this and tried as much as I could to help her along the way.

There is a certain amount of impatience that someone on the outside has regarding the person taking the abuse. It is hard to understand how the cycles of abuse can beat a person down and change them, make them not as brave. Often a person on the outside thinks, why don't you just leave him/her? I wanted to talk about that in order to explain the lines:

The sneer upon my lover's face
Does so much more
Than anyone’s smile ever can.
The touch of his hurtful hand
Feels so much better
Than a loving caress.

I'm not saying that a person enjoys that, what I am saying is that may be the perception of someone who does not understand why they stay and take it.

Things did not end well with my friend. She did get out of the relationship, but on her birthday following the divorce her ex decided to take his own life.

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